I am lying in bed with Five. Our old bedtime routine has become new again because four months ago Five wanted to kill himself and I will do anything to make him better. So, each night Four and Five climb in my bed and I snuggle with them. I really just curl up next to Five because he needs to be in the middle, to combat fears he won't name.
We are waiting for Four to finish brushing his teeth and join us. I hug Five and kiss his neck, loudly.
"Wow, that was some smooch, Mom."
I do not believe I have ever used the word "smooch" to describe kissing to him.
"I know, " I say, "it was really loud."
"Serious smooching. Like in a cartoon, with people in love."
I kiss him again.
"Wait, let me try and smooch you," he says.
I am delighted. Five has never been a great kisser. He doesn't purse so much as press his lips. But really, I'm just in it to hear him say "smooch" one more time. I offer my cheek. There is slight pressure, and a resultant soft pop.
"Not as loud as yours," he says.
"But pretty good!" I offer.
Four walks around to "his" side of the bed. "Whatcha doin'?"
"Mom was smooching me. It was really loud, like on a show."
"Ohhhwa," he says, disappointed. "I want a kiss!"
I sit up and kiss him and he lays back down, head on the mattress just below the pillow. He never uses one, while Five spends half the night flipping his to keep it cool. I reach across Five to hold Four's hand because he has autism and feels left out all the way over there. Five knows this.
"Move over, Four," he says, "so we can all be together."
He does, pushing his back up against Five. I can almost get my arm across his belly, prominent and soft from years of medication. The fan hums noisily, inadequately pushing the air. After a few minutes, Five kicks a leg out from under the covers and Four rolls away from my outstretched hand.
I'm only supposed to stay a few minutes because we're trying to make the new routine the old routine once again. But Four has autism and Five wanted to die, so I pull them closer and let myself drift off to the sound of tree frogs singing.
I was just thinking of you. I came home today from a trip to see my bestie, and I realized that I've let another summer go by without figuring it how Sarah & I can meet up with you. Darn it.
ReplyDeleteI either need to win the lottery so I can afford to see my all my friends more often or I need to work on my geography. ��
Smooches to you and yours.
I've been thinking about you, too! I got back from vacation and wondered if you'd had your big visit on the east coast. I think the next time you're out this way I'll just have to drop everything and drive, no matter the season.
DeleteAlthough winning the lottery would also be acceptable ;)
You are such a fabulous mom, Megan. My Two has been talking of wanting to be dead and hurting himself. I too would do anything to make it better. Unfortunately, he's too old to lie in bed with me, but I hold his hand and rub his back and pray. I'm not a big pray-er as I'm unclear on exactly what I believe, but for my Two I pray.
ReplyDeleteWhen One was little, before the others came, she had trouble sleeping and I would fall asleep in her bed almost every night. She's turned out to be fabulously independent and smart and no longer needs me so I'm of the mind that helping them through the rough spots doesn't do them harm.
Whatever it takes to make them feel safe and loved. Smooches to you.
"so I'm of the mind that helping them through the rough spots doesn't do them harm" -- yes, that is my philosophy, too, exactly. MadMax slept on a pallet at the foot of our bed for YEARS. We didn't make a big deal about it, he just decided for himself whether he wanted to sleep in our room or his room. Sometime along about 7 or 8, he stopped doing it. Now he's 16 and almost entirely independent. Snuggle while you can. (beautifully written post, too)
DeleteIt is a horrible thing to hear your child say he'd rather be dead, so my heart goes out to you, Kate. Medication is what finally stopped that desperate feeling for Five, but we still have many fears to conquer. But I've been here twice before, with One and Three, so I have faith it will be okay--faith in myself, science, and love, all of which I believe come from a Creator, if you will. So I pray, too, and will keep your boy in my prayers.
DeleteThanks, Barb. I've considered setting up a sleeping area in my room, because even though I move Five to his own bed every night, he always wanders back in. Three did the same for years, but finally stopped in middle school, thank goodness, because he's nearly six feet tall now!
DeleteI'm so sorry about Five's troubles -- so young to want to die! -- and I think you are a terrific mom for all the love and affection you give your guys. It sounds like they are able to ask for what they want and the older ones are growing up well, so you are doing it right. I wish my folks had been more accepting of my fears and anxieties when I was a kid and been more nurturing to help me thru them the way you are with your boys. This was a beautiful post to read. Thank you for sharing it. My love to you and the boys, especially the "little" ones.
ReplyDeleteI was talking to a cousin about the different parenting styles in our family, and my step-father said, "I wish I'd had you as MY mother when I was growing up." But it was almost an insult, a comment on my permissiveness. I explained that because I have so many children with special needs, I just give what each one requires. It might look undisciplined from the outside, but it's necessary in the moment. And I truly believe, sometimes to the detriment of my relationships, that I know them better than any other person in this world. So I love them accordingly.
DeleteWow that is so harsh. I feel for you. And for Five. This world can be hard. I'm glad you have each other.
ReplyDeleteThanks, J3. And I'm glad I have all of you.
DeleteThis job you signed up for? You're rockin' it.
ReplyDeleteOn so damn many levels.
(In case you were wondering.)
However, I am not rocking the timely replies! Thank you, as always, for the encouragement. Some days are easy, some are hard, but isn't that the case with all jobs? Plus, I actually do get to lie down on mine :-)
DeleteThere are so many things our kids can "have": autism, depression, suicidial thoughts, chronic medical issues. It can be so scary and overwhelming, so it's lovely to hear what your kids "are": safe, understood, unconditionally loved. Big hugs for you and yours.
ReplyDeletePS Carrie and I really will figure out a time when all three of us will be close together and we WILL meet!
It is important for me to remember that the diagnosis doesn't define them. This is apparent every day because we have two on the spectrum and they are very different individuals. But each of them have their difficulties, and, like any parent, I wish I could make life easier for them.
DeletePS: I can get in a car and drive any time you're ready!
Beautifully written post.
ReplyDeleteYou are, like, the poster child (in a good way) for Attachment Parenting. It's beautiful to witness. I wish this kind of love on every child in the world.
Thank you. When I speak to new parents I tell them nothing lasts forever: babies will not always wake up four times a night, toddlers will not always wear diapers, children will not always share your bed, teenagers will not always fight with you. This has been my experience with all my boys, so I strongly believe in doing what is needed for each one.
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