13 September 2011

Five's Mis-Conception

We have reached the end of the line. Today is Five's birthday. Yes, the boy who is so special he earned his own blog column, is eight years old.

The Captain and I are still unsure how he came to be.

Obviously, we understand the mechanics of how children are created. We managed, with very little effort I might add, to bring four of them into the world before Five arrived. One and Two were the only ones we scheduled. And Two happened easily enough that we realized we probably hadn't needed to try so hard. Not that the Captain was complaining.

After Two joined us, I went on birth control, but it made me fat and crazy, so I stopped. Hence, Three. Then the Captain and I finally figured out that if we stopped being so sexy and paid attention, my body would give actual biological signals that would help prevent pregnancy! That method worked for three years.

Then one December night, the Captain and I were addressing Christmas cards, he was drinking wine, we were full of the holiday spirit, I lost track of when I last received a biological signal, and...Four! For weeks, the Captain spent nights re-imagining our future, wondering why he hadn't listened when his doctor suggested that perhaps medical intervention might be the only way to stop his super-sperm.

But Four was adorable, and after a few months, the Captain grew to like him. Our world, inside and outside our home, was changing. We were busy, time passed, and the Captain forgot to have that surgery. But we remained diligent about obeying the signals.

Which is why we don't know how Five got here.

We can both swear that there were no mind altering substances involved in his conception. I mean, the sex is always mind blowing, but not so much that we lose the ability to count, or read a calendar. We blame it on L.R.R.P.S., or Long Range Reconnaissance Patrol Sperm. They must have traveled far, set up camp, and waited for one of my lazy, old eggs to drop. Trust me, after thirty-eight years in my ovaries, those gals weren't putting on make-up and running down to see who was knocking on the door. They were semi-retired at that point, sitting around in their flannels and fuzzy slippers, gossipping with their BFUYS (Best Friends Until You're Shed). We figure one of them finally went out to get the paper, and a L.R.R.P.S must have pounced.

The Captain was the fourth person to find out I was pregnant. My friend Janet had the unfortunate timing to call right after I'd done the pregnancy test, so she got the news first. She was speechless. Then my mother called, and I shared my genuine fear that the Captain might drive off a bridge when I told him. But he didn't. He called his doctor instead and scheduled the surgery.

Five was born two and a half weeks early, on September 13, 2003. I knew he wasn't going to cook all the way to the end of his recommended gestation, but I prayed to make it past the 11th. It was only two years after the attacks, and we were all still very raw. The delivery was fairly easy, because he was small. He had some minor bilirubin issues, so one day the pediatrician was reading his blood results, and he told me his blood type was B+.

"Really?" I asked, perplexed. "Huh. I'm O+."

"Well, someone is B+," he answered. "Do you want to ask your husband, or is that going to be an uncomfortable phone call?"

Turns out, that's the Captain's blood type. He confirmed it when I called him.

"But if it hadn't been," he added, "that would have explained a lot."

Five. We don't know how we got him, but we wouldn't give him back.

P.S.: If you read this earlier, it had a different title. I changed it after realizing that the next time some person googles the word "conception," I'm going to be number three on the browser list. This happens all the time--usually when someone in Indonesia or Russia does a search for "penis," or, my favorite from the other day, "hot woman diaries."  So, sorry if this popped up as a new post in your blogroll. It's not. I'm not that prolific.


  1. Anonymous13.9.11

    Ohgawd I loved this post so very very VERY much! And not just because Five is our baseball hero here in The Burrow. Empress was a huge freaking surprise Bonus Baby too!!!

    Also, today is my sister's suprise Bonus Baby boy's 17th birthday. He was 13 when she left, but she stayed long enough for us to have a family party for him and my brother's youngest(her day is tomorrow).

    We get the ones we were supposed to get, no matter what!

  2. I laughed out loud with this one, Meg. Thanks, and l hope Five has an awesome birthday. Miss you guys!

  3. Ha! I hope your kids don't read this blog. LRRPS, indeed. Magnum called the doctor after #3; he just didn't get there on time.

    Happy Birthday, Five! Here's hoping your mom doesn't fail you today.

  4. Nicole13.9.11

    Loved this story. Just so happens that today is my little (or not so little anymore) brother's birthday today too. He was also a bonus baby that surprised everyone. I can't imagine our family without him so thank God for bonuses.

  5. Happy Bday to Five! Love the story.

    I was of course convinced that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I talked to the doc at the end of November, went off the pill the end of December and got pregnant in January. Turns out I *am* good a math after all! So, first try and bingo. PS the dh will not be permitted to forget the surgery b/c my doc has said NO MORE, backing up my refrain for the last five or so months of NO MORE lol.

    Personally I was an "oh shit" baby conceived on birth control during the disintegration of a particularly bad marriage. I have, thus, little faith in the pill because i"m, you know, alive.

  6. @Julie: When I wrote "we don't know how he got here," it reminded me of how you said your babies just showed up. Like they arrived on a bus!

    @Chrysanthe: I'm happy you laughed, because I think that's why Five is here--to keep us in stitches. That was a bad choice of words. I've probably jinxed us now. ER, anyone?

    @Delia: The Captain was properly chagrined when he went to see the doctor, who said, "Good God, man! I told you so." We just can't keep our good men down. (wink)

    @Nicole: We are truly grateful Five joined us. Four is almost four years younger than Three, and he would have been odd man out. Now, he and Five are best buddies. Until their teen years, anyway.

    @Lora: A fellow fertile Myrtle! Perhaps Five will have a fellow Virgo join him soon?

    I wish I could blame failed birth control, but most of the kids are just the result of operator error. Or, over-enthusiasm.

  7. Happy Belated Five day!

  8. after thirty-eight years in my ovaries, those gals weren't putting on make-up and running down to see who was knocking on the door.

    Should I mention the woman I know whose DH had the operation after their first two children? After the third, she decided to have her tubes tied, as it was simpler than getting him to re-do his operation again ;)

  9. Happy, Happy Birthday Five!! The Pack would be greatly diminished in creativity, zaniness and personality if you had not been inexplicably conceived.

    And blood type or not, The Captain would have a hard time disowning that child. He would be laughed out of the genetics lab. Wayyyy too many similarities between those two - physical and otherwise!

  10. Happy Birthday Five! And I'm sending this post to my love. Because he needs to KNOW the ramifications of dragging one's feet. This is the best PSA I've ever read.

  11. Anonymous13.9.11

    Ha! Great story and Happy Birthday, Five :-)

  12. @The Merry: it just goes to prove there are no guarantees in life. And I don't mind admitting that for the first few post-op months, the Captain and I held our collective breath.

    @Janet: Zany is the perfect word. And musical, these days. He got a guitar for his birthday, so now he roams the house, strumming and looking soulful.

    @Sarah: If you like, the Captain will send a personal Skype message, complete with child-related expense spreadsheets.

  13. He's worth it... at least to your readers. Such an entertaining child. Happy birthday 5!

  14. @London Mabel: That does seem to be his special purpose. The Captain says I should compile all my failures and make that my next book. It would be an easy read, guaranteed to make everyone feel better about their parenting skills.

  15. I think that would make a great book (in the internet-to-book genre that's so popular right now).

  16. Anonymous14.9.11

    You are going to tell us why you changed the title right?
    (crappy Virgo, but nosy as hell)

  17. @Julie: I put a little explanation at the bottom of the post. I have a program that tells me where people are reading the blog. It will also tell me how they found me-the keyword they used. After a few months, I noticed that a lot of people (mostly in Indonesia, or Brazil)google the word "penis" and "lonely woman," or some variation of that, and then they get directed to me!

    So, half-way through the day, I realized a bunch of curious twelve year-olds were going to google "conception" and end up on the blog. So I changed the title, in the interest of public health and safety.


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