27 August 2014


I'm not a particularly open person. I don't really like to tell anyone what I'm feeling. I'm almost pathologically averse to taking anyone's advice, and when I'm overwhelmed it's too emotionally draining to share.

That's why I love the Diaries. I can type what's happening and send it out into the ephemera that is the internet, devoid of actual conversation and tear-stains. Sometimes kind people read a post and offer encouragement or insight which I can heed or ignore, but I'm always bolstered by the mere act of writing. I think it's a little like praying.

I'm posting tonight for the first time since February because I'm very sad. And reading my last post made me cry a little more because I feel like I  haven't made any progress at all. In reality, that isn't true, because I was spending this week getting all my children ready for school. One returns to college on Thursday, Two moves into his dorm on Sunday, Three begins junior year next week, and, miraculously, Four and Five agreed to attend the charter school in my county. But today I got a call from the special education coordinator there saying they couldn't accommodate Four's needs.

I'm wrecked.

Originally, it was our intent to try and enroll Five because the school is geared to so many of his interests. But after attending an open house and speaking with their director, we decided to submit an application for Four as well. During vacation I received the call that Four was admitted, but Five was still third on the waiting list. I was very hesitant to enroll only one of them, so I was thrilled when two students withdrew and Five got accepted as well! I really felt like the Universe was yelling at me, assuring me it was the right decision. I took the boys for a tour, nervous that Four would be critical, but at the end he was the first one to say it seemed great. I was so happy they would be attending together, bolstering one another, sharing the experience.

Today the coordinator explained that she didn't realize Four had been at a private school, in small classes with support. As a small charter school they don't have those resources; they don't even have aides in the classrooms. They do have small group instruction in some of the subjects, but they are very concerned that Four won't have the support he needs to be successful. Tonight, when I told Four about the school's concerns, he said, "I can adapt. I can deal with the larger class," and I had to explain that the school still might not take him. "Figures," he said. "We finally find the perfect school and I can't go." My heart almost broke. He wants to try and I want to give him that chance, but I know the school is going to say legally they can't provide the right supports, and I have to decide whether to fight.

My last post was about how much Four hated school, and this one is about how much he wants to go and can't. We haven't even told Five yet because I have to mentally gird myself for his reaction. He may not want to go if Four can't, and then we're back to square one. Why does everything have to be so hard? Every time I get through a crisis another one flares. These last three years have stripped me bare.

I'm weary. Weary of placing my faith in others. Weary of soldiering on. Weary of holding everyone together. Weary of believing everything will be okay.

I know it exists, but it's hard to see the happy ending right now through the tears.


  1. Oh, my dear beautiful and strong friend. I want to take all of your sad and just flush it down the fucking toilet. In a bathroom neither of us has to clean.

    Basically, you're right (as usual). It feels overwhelming because it's huge. But, ya know what, I am not even kidding when I say that I have ALL the faith in you. All.

    Because, yes, time after time you get smacked in the face, then. Time after time you get up and you smack back. Harder and with style.

    We love you. We believe in you. We know that whatever you face, you conquer. You just DO!

  2. I love what Julie said and I agree. HOWEVER, being strong for so long does take its toll. Lean on others, please. We all lean on you and you support us with grace and spirit, but enough is enough sometimes and it's ok ask others to step up- I've heard it's even good for them.

    About the school thing- what a horrible VERY LAST MINUTE piece of news. Shame on them. What were they thinking he needed? Is the previous school still an option and was it a good experience? Maybe 5 will still embrace the new adventure?

    "Keep your head where your feet are." Love you bunches.

  3. J,J,J27.8.14

    Educating ones children today is a mine field. And there is no map. My heart breaks for 4 as well. How can he not take that as rejection? On the ask for help theme - is there someone you can ask to help you 'fight' the school?
    As a person who is frequently weary when dealing with the world I have to ask - are you taking care of yourself? Please do.

  4. What kind of IEP system do they have at the charter school? Can you do a temporary plan that will allow Four to take classes there for a trial period and have a team reconvene in say, four weeks, to determine if he's been able to cope within the limited supports available? Can you (this sounds stupid but a parent in our district did it once) hire a personal aid for him? We had a retired teacher's aid do that for a girl one year when testing determined she didn't require that support but the parents believed she would benefit and footed the bill themselves with district approval. Just my .02. Love and support and hugs to you. I'm sorry it's so hard.

  5. Was just catching up on Life With Quirky Boys, and there's the same sense of exhaustion in her posts. Sorry things are so tough. :'-(


Thanks for reading! Unlike other Diaries, this one isn't private. Feel free to share your thoughts. Politely, of course.