08 June 2012

Two and Six: Amateur Zoologists

Six joined us for dinner the other night. He and Two have been friends since kindergarten. They have an easy, funny relationship, and they make me laugh. Here is the transcript of their dinner conversation.

TWO: Every once in a while, Leo walks by me and I think, "We have an animal that lives with us. He's an animal and he lives in our house." It's weird. But you know, I think he thinks he's human. That he's part of our family.

SIX: Well, I think he knows he belongs to you, but I don't think he thinks he's human. I think he knows you're different than him. But he's a totally chill dog.

TWO: There was a bear over on Seven's street this afternoon.

SIX: Who saw it?

TWO: The bus driver.

SIX: I would totally run away if I saw a bear.

TWO: Uh, no you wouldn't. It would catch you.

SIX: How fast can they run?

TWO: About thirty-five miles an hour. Well, grizzlies can. Black bears aren't that fast. Black bears are like the slow, stupid cousins of grizzlies.

SIX: Then I guess I would just have to fight the bear.

TWO: Yeah, you're not going to win. The bear would maul you.

SIX: I thought you were supposed to make yourself big and yell at the bear.

TWO: No, you're supposed to lie down in a ball and play dead. I saw this guy on "Animal Planet," and he was talking about how he came up a ridge and saw a grizzly with her cubs, and the grizzly locked eyes on him and just charged. There was no time for him to do anything, because it's like an animal the size of a van just running right at you, so he dropped to the ground and played dead. The grizzly came up and poked him, figured he was dead, and left him there.

SIX: That would suck. I still think I would try and fight it. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Punch it in the nose?

TWO: No, that's if a shark comes up and bites your leg.

SIX: Dude, if I'm in the water and a shark comes up and bites my leg, I'm not going to be able to remember to punch him in the nose, or the gills, or whatever. I'll be freaking out about my leg! 

TWO: I know! But this guy said the shark had his whole leg, and he just hauled off and punched him dead in the nose and the shark opened up his mouth and let him go.

SIX: I feel kinda bad for the shark. You know, he's just swimming around and he goes to take a bite, and he doesn't know you're not a fish, and then all of sudden he gets punched.

ME: True. Humans look a lot like seals from underneath. Especially humans on surfboards.

SIX: Yeah. It just seems unfair.

TWO: I'm still totally punching the shark if it bites me.

It was a very entertaining evening.

23 comments:

  1. Oh, this is great! Love conversations like this. How old are they? I've forgotten. Two and Six gave me a nice laugh just now. And you know how I love a nice laugh.

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    1. They are sixteen, which is what made me laugh. These are the things that fill their minds! Oh, how I chuckled at the end of the table.

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  2. Now that's a dinner time conversation. Enlightening, too. Of course if I ever see a bear that close I won't have to pretend to be dead cause I'll probably have a heart attack.

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    1. I have been very close to black bears because they travel through my neck of the woods. I've seen grizzlies out in Montana and Wyoming, but always from a safe distance. But now we all know what to do if that ever changes!

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  3. Oh that is delightful! I really enjoyed this and found it hilarious. And I have a migraine so it takes some brilliant shit to make me laugh. I'm guessing age...fourteen?

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    1. Sadly, sixteen. Young enough to still be earnest, but old enough to have the bravado needed for bear tusslin'. A deadly combination.

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    2. Oh! And I hope your migraine leaves you soon! Oh how the Captain empathizes.

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  4. I had no idea that Two was so knowledgable about zoology. I had to double check to see if you were talking about One. Most of what I know about bears I learned from reading novels. I have read both pieces of advice, look big and play dead. If I meet a bear, I will probably be hopelessly confused. I am going to go with playing dead. It sounds like it requires less courage. Kind of similar to pulling the covers over my head, which I still do sometimes when I hear a scary noise.

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    1. The first time I was close to a bear it was only because I didn't know he was coming. I was in my back yard planting flowers, and he came moseying along. I only happened to turn because I heard a slight rustling. They have large padded feet, so they actually make less noise then the silly squirrels. He was about four feet from me, and I just froze. I wasn't far from my back door, so I gathered my nerves and scurried up the stairs. He was supremely disinterested in me, because he was headed for my neighbor's bird feeder. Since then, I've learned how to scare them out of the yard, but hiding always seems like a good option to me.

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    2. I've tried scaring them out of the yard. They don't go. The yard is far to enticing, and I must be too wimpy to worry about!

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  5. By the way, I noticed the anti-robot test when you comment is getting more and more difficult. One of these days, I will not be able to figure it out. Should I be concerned that I am secretly a robot? Kind of reminds me of Blade Runner.

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    1. I know! Now there's a blurry number you have to type in, which at first made me very concerned about my eyesight.

      I think Blade Runner proved the point that we should always be aware of the secret robot threat. Also that 1940's hair-do's look awesome, and Harrison Ford should not do voice-over.

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  6. This cracked me up. I'm more impressed that you could remember the whole conversation than by the conversation itself! I would have sat down at the computer ten minutes later and said, "Now I know they said something cool...what the heck was it?"

    In fact, I'm already thinking, "Wait...was it punch a bear and play dead with a shark, or play dead with a bear and punch a shark?" Yeesh. Let's hope I never meet either!

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    1. After the first few minutes, I began to mentally take notes. They will often have the most in-depth discussions about completely mundance topics, like Two's propensity to wear graphic tees entirely too often, so at least this one was educational.

      I know where you live. Bears are lurking. Be aware.

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  7. That was hilarious! I remember similar conversations between my kids, and I was always amazed at the their thought processes. And their knowledge. Far surpassed mine at the same age.

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    1. Unfortunately, most of the information is gleaned from entirely too many hours in front of the television or cruising stumbleupon.com. But you never know when it might come in handy.

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  8. Heeheehee! Too funny. I'm with Deborah, I'd never be able to remember. (Incidentally, it's be big and loud with black bears, play dead with grizzlies.) Enjoy those conversations. If nothing else, they're good book fodder. :)

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    1. I knew you'd know, you woodswoman! The boys are an endless source of fodder, although I already promised the Captain I was going to write a book that featured his life as a commuter. He's named everyone on his train, and it's hard to resist writing about Perfume Lady, Sockless Guy, Smoking Couple, Earmuff Girl, and Old Dog Guy. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few, but what a cast of characters!

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  9. I miss those days so much. But then, maybe not, I had one come back. Like a bad smell. Oh, was that out loud?

    Off topic, but only partly, Dan and I were mall-walking the other day, and slowed down to watch a kid in a batting cage. (There is a big store-front which has pitching machines and shit, as well as party rooms, odd but fun I guess.)

    We both looked through the window and exclaimed loudly: FIVE!!!

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    1. Deargawd, I mis-spelled my own fucking name. Gah, it's been like this ALL night!

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    2. That was pretty funny. I looked at the name on my phone, and thought I had a new reader!

      Five just finished his season, and got one of the game balls for making an outstanding play at second base. He was very excited, and it ended the season on a high note. His love of the game ebbs and flows, so it was nice of the coach to send him off feeling good about it.

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