I've been struggling.
With what? Good question. I'm still trying to figure that out. Often, when I feel overwhelmed, I can easily identify and break down my issues into bite-sized pieces. Other times, I embroider, elaborate, and encompass, until I am examining every feeling I've ever had about every issue in recent history.
This is one of those other times.
I'm not even sure what triggered this latest crisis of navel-gazing. Probably the power outage. That was a week of treading water, when I had real tasks I needed to accomplish. There is always too much for me to do, so to lose all those hours was very frustrating. The anxiety just snowballed from there, until I was practically hyperventilating. By this Thursday I was contemplating the relative benefits of Xanax to Klonopin.
Not with a doctor, of course, because that would mean I asked a medical professional for help. Pshaw.
I prefer to do all my deep thinking alone. It seems silly to pay someone to listen to me while I sort it all out. It's just so much more efficient to let me do the dissecting, and if I can't think of a solution on my own, then I can contract out. However, I can see how this process might seem exclusionary. Especially if you're married to me.
Which prompts more ruminating--about my behavior, how I want to live my life, the kind of person I want to be, the reality of my dreams, my goals for my children, and on and on and on.
So, instead of keeping it all in my head, I'm going to share it here. Maybe not all of it, but the parts I can articulate in some fashion right now. It might be a messy, jumbled journey, but you're welcome to ride along.