06 September 2013

My Time (of the month) with Patrice

I have had five children. I understand how the reproductive process works. I can, as I've demonstrated several times with my boys, explain it in a fairly straightforward manner. And yet the Captain and I are still surprised and annoyed every twenty-eight days when I get my period. I hate the hemorrhagic blood flow, and he can't believe he has to stop trying to have sex with me for five days.

This general irritation has spawned an entire backstory for my period based on the quaint custom of asking if one's "friend" has come to town. My period has never been my friend, so I imagine a man coined this euphemism as a fervent prayer that his girlfriend wasn't pregnant. Seeing as how the only times I've missed my period are when I've been good and knocked up, I get the misnomer.

Thus, Patrice was born.

Patrice is my "friend." I've known her since middle school. She's always been a little loud and needy, but tolerable in short bursts. We went to college together, but I tried to put a little distance between us when it became apparent she wasn't a great influence. I usually regretted my behavior when we were out together. But she cleaned up her act after graduation, and when I got married I'd invite her out to visit once in a while.

Ten years of steady child birthing took a toll on our relationship. Life with newborns is all consuming, so we'd lose touch for months. Patrice resented our on-again, off-again status, and would drunk-dial me in the middle of the night to complain. More than once she showed up, unannounced, at an important event to demonstrate her enduring power. I would spend half the wedding/reunion/vacation trying to control her as she refused to be relegated to the fringes of my life.

I'll admit, lately I've wished Patrice would just go away for good. My hand has hovered over the phone, debating whether to answer her midnight call from the train station. I've spoken to medical professionals about the best way to handle our increasingly toxic association. But I just haven't been able to cut her out of my life. Even though our friendship is painful, it's familiar. A lot is forgiven when you've known someone for thirty-five years.

This week I attended a Bat Mitzvah and took a mini-vacation with the boys. Naturally, I expected Patrice to show up. I've been ready, but she hasn't called. I'm not pregnant, although I can't completely dismiss the idea that the Captain's uber-competitiveness may have inspired his stranded sperm to swarm, like the Borg or those Matrix attackers, and repair his severed vas deferens.

I've grown more worried for Patrice's safety with each passing day. Most likely, she's passed out somewhere, hopefully with a hunky guy. But her absence has made my heart grow fonder. As much as she interferes with my life, our bond is unique.

I'll miss her when she's gone.

11 comments:

  1. You were right, this is very funny. You have more patience for Patrice than I did, though. Faithful friend?

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    1. It's a love/hate relationship. But I've learned not to cross her-she always wins in the end.

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  2. I'm telling you, I don't miss Patrice AT ALL! Not one little bit. She was like a horrid step-parent sent to ruin my life.

    She's gone and I'm glad.

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    1. I think I'll get to that point, too. I think confronting the loss of her means I'll have to accept I've grown up. Boo.

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  3. Very, very funny!

    My relationship with my "friend" was very antagonistic for many years, because she hurt me, over and over and over, sometimes making me so sick I couldn't attend class or go to work. Then I got to a point where I was comfortable with her and not ready to give her up, in case the lack of her did terrible things to me. But NOW, I'm totally willing to end this relationship. I'm tired of it and it's become on-again, off-again and just plain annoying. And I've been in perimenopause for a decade and am really tired of it!

    So good luck to you with Patrice.

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    1. Yeah, the whole peri-menopause things irks me. I'm not there yet, but all my doctors keep talking about it like I should accept it NOW. How about we let this play out a little longer, huh?

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  4. So well done! But no, I don't miss my "friend" in the least. Especially since the last few years of our relationship was with her living here, ALL THE TIME FOR MONTHS ON END. I'd walk around, asking Dan, "do I look pale?" due to her EVER presence.

    The rule is, once she's been gone a full year, you're good to go.

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    1. Yes, I don't like a houseguest that never leaves! Lately, Patrice seems intent on making her presence keenly felt as she attempts to clean out the contents of her apartment before she leaves. I'm pretty certain I'll get to the point where I wrap up the uterus for her, put a bow on it and send her on her way.

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  5. If what Julie says is true - I am soooo good to go. Don't miss my 'friend'. Nope I don't.
    You are very, very funny!

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    1. Go JJJ! We should see if we can get a group rate at a hotel and send all our Patrice's on an extended vacation.

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  6. Cute, Megan, very cute! I don't miss my friend one bit--menopause, although sometimes agonizing and frustrating stopped my friend from showing up and that made all the hot flashes, restlessness, and mood swings totally worth it for both me and the hubs. Life without birth control is quite lovely!

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