24 May 2013

Adventures in Grief

Allie Brosh writes a blog entitled Hyperbole and a Half. It's creative, funny, and  gut-punch honest. Her latest post is about her depression and recovery. Go back and click on the green words and read it.

The Diaries try to be as truthful as Hyperbole and a Half. If I were sharing like Allie, I would tell you that I'm not depressed because I still feel, even if it's just mostly exhaustion and anger. But I'm not angry about my mother's death. I don't blame anyone for it. I'm not railing against God or medicine. Actually, last week I was angry about Mother's Day. Not because it made me miss my mother any more because my mother is dead every day, not just on holidays, but because I anticipated all sorts of sympathetic messages about how difficult the day must be, blah blah blah. I told the Captain I was going to type FUCK YOU in response, so I'm pretty sure he sent out a mass email warning everyone because only two people shared that sentiment with me.

This week I'm angry at apple and iTunes and their fucking "geniuses" for impudently erasing all my data, including voice mails from my mother I had stored on my phone. They made me cry, and that made me angry.

It's not that I think crying is bad or weak. In fact, I think it's the most appropriate response to losing my mother. I just want to be able to do it on my own terms. I don't want people monitoring or suggesting or prompting my grief. I don't want anyone asking me how I'm doing. I don't want sympathy or empathy unless you're my own sibling, and I don't even feel the need to talk to them because we all feel the same way. What would be the point?

Basically, I want to be left alone.

Here's what's problematic:

Firstly, I live with eight other people. Only a select few of them leave every day to go to work or school. I am never physically alone.

Secondly, I am the mother of five children. I am never psychically alone.

Thirdly, it sounds selfish and uncaring to say, "I vant to be alone." Just ask Greta Garbo. I truly appreciate how much everyone cares about me. I just don't want to see or talk to anyone right now.

Fourthly, it freaks people out when I say I want to be alone. It makes them worry about my mental health. It's a little bit like the panel in Hyperbole and a Half where she mentions suicide and it makes her mother cry and then she has to apologize for making her mother cry. I don't want to be responsible for an emotional reaction to my emotional reaction.

I don't want to take care of anyone and I don't want anyone to take care of me.

That said, this is what will really happen:

Life will go on because there is no stopping it. And I don't even want to stop it because the good moments-concerts and prom and planting flowers and summer blockbusters-outweigh the bad. I just want to keep my shit to myself (SHE SAID ON HER BLOG) because no amount of discussion with family, friends, or therapists will bring about a quicker resolution to what I'm feeling. I don't want to share about what I'm experiencing everyday. It's double work for me.

No one can help me, and that's okay.

 Don't freak out.




34 comments:

  1. Not freaking out at all. Everyone processes grief a bit differently and everyone is entitled to their own process. People just kind of expect your process to be like theirs. And also, the solicitous questions are more along the lines of "I'm just checking in and letting you know I'm thinking of you and caring about you" than anything else, except people don't know how to say that. It is in our nature to want to HELP, to want to MAKE IT BETTER NOW and it's frustrating when we can't and we know we can't. But, again, that's our problem, not yours, so let it all just go.

    And, BTW, you do sound angry. Which, again, is fine, it just didn't sound like you recognized it.

    So, I've been contemplating running away from home for a week or so. Want to come with me? I promise not to talk to you or even look at you; I'll just drive you away.

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    1. It sounded even angrier yesterday. Today I'm in more of a world weary place. I'll drive the getaway car. And we can talk-just not about me.

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    2. Excellent! I'm just having a spell of being sick of being at everyone else's beck and call and taking last place all the time. Where should we go?

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  2. I'm a natural introvert who's forced to talk to people (so many STRANGERS!) every day. I don't think it's odd you want to be alone. I'm in awe that living with eight people hasn't resulted in you building a pillow fort in the living room and loudly humming to yourself "I can't HEAR you."

    And that's before we talk anxiety diagnoses and ASD and grief and exhaustion.

    But what do I know? Perhaps you're really more of a blanket fort kind of girl.

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    1. me, too, Carrie. I could have written this: "it freaks people out when I say I want to be alone" and I'm not even freaking grieving. I have my immediate family members trained now to understand, but not many other people do. And I only have TWO kids, so I can't even imagine trying to coordinate it with FIVE. Sending you healing vibes, Megan, and hopes for lots of time to yourself.

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    2. I'm think I might try the kids' pop-up Clone Wars tent, but it's a little flashy. Maybe I could just hide under the dining room table. The dog would probably give me away, though. Dammit.

      I flew my sister in from Arizona and that's helped. I got to actually leave the house alone a few times and I've halfway accomplished some things. Plus, neither one of us needs to talk. Bonus!

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  3. Anonymous24.5.13

    I love you.
    The Captain

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    1. Anonymous24.5.13

      Like - best comment of all!

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    2. I know you do. I love you, too. Now stop looking at me that way.

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    3. The Captain rocks.

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  4. I had the same reaction when my dad died. People kept asking if I was okay and all I could think was, I probably would be if you'd just stop bringing it up all the time. So, pardon my unwanted empathy, but I empathize. We're here if you need us. (Unobtrusively. Like white noise.)

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    1. I find white noise very soothing. Thank you.

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  5. Ditto what Delia said, only with my Mom. We should all run away together to someplace with lots of spaces to be alone. But I call under the table. I will bribe the dogs not to give me away. In fact I will teach them to lead people in the other direction. Want me to teach your dog too?

    The Captain is rather top notch, isn't he? I approve. (not that either of you need my approval. it's just that he made me smile and I like that.)

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    1. I would love for you to come and meet Leo. I'm not sure you could train him, but I bet he'd think it great fun if we were both under the table.

      The Captain is the top-notchiest and the person I trust the most, even when I make him squirrely.

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  6. I can't imagine being surrounded with people while grieving. I can't imagine lots of people checking in all the time while I'm grieving, cuz that has never happened all the times of my major losses. Being entirely alone all the time during grief isn't exactly the best either, but balance would be good. And you obviously need some serious alone time, as well as some serious "me" time. Definitely run away with Karen. Arrange for a weekend away or somesuch. And good for you for being so honest. Always here if you want to talk about shopping or the weather or flowers or something. :)

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    1. Two weeks ago I made a panicked call to my sister Erin and she flew out this week to help me. I got to leave the house a few times without my shadow (Five) and I feel like I'm much further along on some basic house projects. It gave me a few moments to breathe, and that basically backed me off the ledge.

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  7. Hugs (but only if you want them) and hope and light (unobtrusively hovering). I can't begin to assvice you on how to deal with your shit. I have trouble dealing with my comparatively menial shit. PS I freaking LOVE to be alone. Only child. Used to play in the closed closet for more privacy. That's how I roll. Dh cannot FATHOM that I want to be by myself.

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    1. I don't mind being with people most of the time (thank God, right?) but right now I'm just worn out. I would hide in my closet but it's a huge mess, much like most of the other parts of my house. But school will be over soon and that will relieve some of the daily pressure. I hope.

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  8. Once upon a time between 6th grade and 10th grade we lived in an old and lovely house in Milwaukee. My room had a walk in closet with a built in dresser against the back wall. I loved it. I used to hide in there all the time. I still yearn for that closet.

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    1. I love nooks and crannies in houses. I made myself an office and I have yet to spend any real time in there. Yearning...

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  9. I totally understand the being alone thing. That's me 360 days of the year. : )
    If you ever need sun, lots of sun, and an almost ghost town in the summer months just hop in the car and head to La Quinta, in Southern California.
    I'll be writing, so I'm great at ignoring people.

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  10. Dear The Captain:
    We love her, too.
    So, thanks.
    From Us.

    Dear The Lone Woman:
    Your honesty is brilliant and shiny and glorious to gaze upon.
    Now, grab a snack and go be alone.
    Understanding is what we do.
    Love,
    Me.

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    Replies
    1. We love you back,

      The Lone Woman and The Captain

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  11. Shhh hush child. It'll be okay! It's always darkest before the dawn!! Have you tried yoga?? Let me help you find your fish!!!

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    1. You made me laugh. Which does not make me angry.

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  12. I know exactly what you mean. My mother goes to every funeral of anyone she even remotely knows or knew someone who knows. I don't go to funerals unless it would be a slap in the face to someone I care about and I can't find an acceptable way to get out of it.
    The subject of your blog is why.
    Because when I need to grieve, I don't want the lame attempts that people make to comfort me because they want me to hurry up and return to normal so they don't have to be uncomfortable.

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    1. I think the whole process makes everyone uncomfortable. I'm not even saying I don't understand where people are coming from, because for most people their concern is genuine. I'm not blaming: "Ugh, look how YOU made ME feel." This is just about how I FEEL right now.

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  13. I'd tell you I hope you're feeling better, but I'm a little afraid I'll be told to fuck off :-)

    I'm glad your sister came to help out. You can always run away to my house. There's no one here but me and the cats, and it's QUIET.

    FGBVS for working through it. And for not being angry with well-meaning people even when they get it wrong. I love you too.

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    1. Maybe I'll take an "Eat, Pray, Love" journey but instead of going to, say, India, I'll just travel the United States and meet Betties.

      I'm really not angry at people for their good intentions, I'm just angry that I'm in this position. I just want normal.

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  14. "I'm just checking in and letting you know I'm thinking of you and caring about you"~ xoxo

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Thanks for reading! Unlike other Diaries, this one isn't private. Feel free to share your thoughts. Politely, of course.