16 April 2013

When Can I Mothball This Cape, Exactly?

I am a powerful woman. I know this because I have not yet snapped, crumbled, or otherwise yielded to an almost continuous assault of stress-inducing events. My heart might soon explode, but I'll be standing when it does.

I drove Five to the emergency room Friday afternoon.  His anxiety level had been climbing steadily and getting him into school had become a Herculean task. This became especially true Friday morning when the anxiety turned into panic as I tried to wrestle him into his coat. When my children are in the grip of a panic attack they become like the Hulk writ small. Bodies cannot be made to yield, and threats of physical violence against me are common.

I didn't force Five to go to school; instead, we drove to see Four perform in his talent show. Five brought his lunch box because he was hungry, and I thought he would eat on the way. When we got to the school he wanted to bring it inside but I told him he could not. This wasn't the answer he wanted, so he complained all the way up to the auditorium and during the performances.

Rational thought isn't Five's strong suit on a good day (see any "How I Failed Five" entry for corroboration), but the anxiety stomps it out of existence. By the time we got in the car to leave he had swung completely in the opposite direction and was now wracked with guilt over his behavior, crying that he was a bad person and just wanted to die. He wanted me to open the car door so he could throw himself into traffic, or give him something sharp so he could stab himself.

He is nine.

I made it into town and turned toward the hospital. I just wanted them to give him something that would calm him down--I would have consented to a lobotomy at that point if I thought it would save him. The ER staff was kind, but they referred us to the folks across the hall in the Behavioral Health unit. After basically pushing Five through their doors, he settled down when they asked if he wanted lunch. After all that arguing about the lunch box he still hadn't eaten, so I guess that was the magic bullet.

Turns out no one will administer drugs to a nine year-old unless he is admitted to the hospital and that wasn't the route we wanted to take. I called my psychiatrist, who we had just seen on Wednesday, and told him it was time to try something new. He prescribed the same medication that Three and Four take for their anxiety, but it will take at least two weeks for it to really start working.

The Captain and I have been down this road before and we're confident Five will be okay, because Three is our success story. But, holy shit, it's an exhausting journey. It requires stamina and a singular focus, which is a difficult thing when there are four other children who need to get to school, baseball, basketball, track, choir, SAT class, work, and now, intensive therapy. It means I must plan each day like Five won't go to school, and even if he does, I must be close enough to get him in case he has a meltdown. The Captain, Two, and I were supposed to go on a college tour this Wednesday, but that's no longer feasible. I had to cancel my reservation at the New England Romance Writers conference because I don't want to be that far away, and frankly, I haven't been able to get any book work done anyway. My life is, once again, in a holding pattern.

There's a saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I want to thank God for his supreme confidence in me, but I need to clarify a point. Just because it looks like I'm handling my mother's death, it doesn't mean I'm ready for a new crisis. Feel free to lighten my load, dude.

43 comments:

  1. All the FGBVs, babe. I'm not a parent, I have no experience or advice to give. But lots love to you all.

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    1. Thanks, Becky. I'll take the love over the advice any day.

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  2. I adore you, as does the deputy. We also adore Five, all his brothers, and their father. I owe him something, seems like Maxx and I better get going on it. Like yesterday.

    By the way, you CAN do this. We'd all help, and lighten that load, if it were in any way possible.

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    1. It helps to just share the load by writing about it. I'm looking forward to your project with Maxx. I know you two are very creative.

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  3. What I want more than anythnmis to stop my foot and yell, on your behalf, NOT FAIR.

    Because it's not. Not to Five, not to The Captain, not to One, Two, Three or Four, and, most assuredly, not to you.

    But outrage on your behalf probably isn't that helpful. Instead, I offer you prayers & FGBVs, two shoulders to cry on, and thick skin to take the heat when you need to vent.

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    1. Yeah, today I'm feeling like outrage and anger aren't really getting the job done. I'm opting for smothering love at the moment. For us and the rest of the world.

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  4. *more than ANYTHING

    Geez.

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    1. It was the foot stomping that made you type it wrong.

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  5. Many FGBVs for you and Five. I'm so sorry he has also developed anxiety: it's such a hard road to travel. And I'm sorry that it puts your already stressful life into another holding pattern. And doesn't let you fully grieve for your own mother because of your motherly duties.

    Take good care of yourself, too, and not just because of all the people who need you. Take care of you for your own sake. You are a gift and a treasure.

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    1. After feeling really overwhelmed, I considered that this chain of events might be a clever turn by the universe to keep the grieving at just the amount I can handle. But it could be the sleep deprivation talking.

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  6. I'm with Carrie: NOT FAIR! It sucks for all of you and I'm so sorry you're going through it. I know that you have been there before and know you'll all come through it okay, but that's small comfort when you're in the thick of it, your life held hostage by this THING that grips your child and you're unable to help him NOW. Berg.

    Skye's right: you are a treasure. And not just mom, wife, chauffeur, fixer of dinner and so forth. You, my friend, are a treasure. And I'm sending you and Five and the rest of your testosteronies all the FGBVs I can gather. And hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.

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    1. Thanks for the hugs. There is nothing speedy to be done, but I feel like we're ahead in our response time based on our knowledge. And that's worth something.

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    2. I just meant that there's nothing you can do in the midst of an anxiety attack to stop it in its tracks and that can be so frustrating. Your experience and the meds will help. And you're right about it not being speedy, but you already knew that. :)

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    3. That's the truth. I want a dart gun, like they use on the big cats.

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  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. ps
      I have a magnet with a mother teresa quote on it I have to share:

      I know God will not give me more than I can handle. I only wish sometimes he didn't trust me so much.

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    2. I'm jumping in before I answer everyone else to say take your phone number out of your comment! I love you for sending it, it's duly noted, now go back and delete it.

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    3. I don't think she can edit it, Megan, but you may be able to from your dashboard (or whatever it's called in Blogger.

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    4. Hi; blog administrator here. Lora gave great advice and support, but, most likely because she has a toddler and gets up really early to teach school, published her phone number in the comment. I tried to edit her comment to keep all the helpful info for others as well, but my only option was to remove it because I don't want the wackadoodles who find me by searching "Lonely Woman" or "Survivor Penis" to call her house.

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    5. Janet16.4.13

      Yes. The phone number was probably going to be an issue. But it was an awesome, wonderful comment. It made me wish so hard that our sweet Five (and every child) had a teacher at school like Lora that it brought tears to my eyes. He deserves someone like her. Another brilliant, compassionate, inventive woman much like his mother. Another woman to stand in the front lines with the Lone Woman and her Captain, and all of the many of us who love him.

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    6. I know. Maybe Lora will just re-type it!

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    7. wait...this ISN'T where I'm supposed to post my info to find a man who searches for "lonely woman" and "survivor penis"? Shit. Now I have to look for some other blog to publish my phone # on.

      That being said, Megan...you're awesome. And I'm careless. And I have no idea what I typed it was way early. Hugs. :P

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    8. It's true: if you are a lonely woman, this is the place to find a man with a survivor penis. But, if you aren't lucky enough to find that special guy here I'm sure you could enter any of those words into Google and find a secondary source of info. It just won't come with The Lone Woman seal of approval.

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  8. Wel,l everyone else has said what I wanted to say only far more eloquently. So I'll just add some more hugs and FGBVs and I was going to call and ask if you wanted to do lunch in Chester, but that sounds like maybe not a good idea right now.

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    1. I would love to lunch in Chester when spring fully arrives--so, in June? We can work it out with the Captain. Sometimes he works from home if my mental stability seems a bit sketchy.

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  9. Yep, everyone before me said it better than I could. I only have on thing to add (besides FGBVs which you can NEVER have too many of) and that's this. Is is possible that the emotional fallout of your mother's passing has made this worse? The event that you need to focus on and grieve is the event that is pulling his mother's attention away, besides the fact that he is probably grieving too.

    Not sure that helps anything. You probably are far more aware than I of all the triggers in his young life. Hugs. FGBVs.

    BTW, one of my 15 year old twins has started taking medication for his depression. It's made such a improvement that I'm beginning to think we'll make it through. Your success stories are contagious, and you are an inspiration.

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    1. I'm so happy to hear about your boy. One of my goals with the blog was to be really honest about my life, which mostly means my children. I try to protect their privacy, but share my experience. The whole medication thing freaks a lot of people out, but it has saved the life of more than one of my boys. We are, after all, a stew of chemicals, and sometimes they are out of balance. This is especially tough for teenage boys when pubescent hormones get added to the cocktail.

      I believe in doing what is necessary, and sharing our success. Hugs to you and yours.

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  10. Big, big, humongous hugs to all of you. Life is never easy, but somehow we make it through on love and a prayer. Just know that all you can do is the best you can do, and you are doing great. Take good care.

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    1. I used to beat myself up for not doing all the right things for One, but not anymore. He was our first and we didn't know everything that we do now. So, today, I do believe I'm doing everything I can, even though I still think I could do it BETTER. And today, I took a nap! It was only 45 minutes but I needed it, so good on me.

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  11. I don't have much to add, except more of the same. You're an inspiration Megan! And yes, there will extra sapphires in your halo when you get to heaven one day. I'm currently spending a week with a 10-month-old Grandboy and am already exhausted. He's teething and fussy and I've been an empty-nester way too long!

    Hang in there, baby! Those sweet boys are the reward!!

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    1. Sometimes I see little people out in the world and think it would be fun to have another. Then the memory of what you're experiencing comes flooding back and reminds me how happy I am mine are growing up!

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  12. Cathy M16.4.13

    My heart hurts for your Five - to have those feelings at such a young age. And my heart hurts for you to watch his struggle and try to find the best way to help him. Your love is obviously a powerful force that protects and nourishes your sons. I hope you receive the love and support you need to keep fighting the good fight.

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    1. Thanks, Cathy. Right now I'd like a good night's sleep, for me and Five, because the whole thing is pretty exhausting.

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  13. There's a lot of love in this universe for you and your boys (all six of them) and while that doesn't actually lighten your load, perhaps it will put a little more wind under your cape.

    Hugs.

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  14. Once I went through a period of 8 months with one of my daughters where I felt like I was just holding my breathe and hanging on by a thread. It's hard. My sympathies are so with you.

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    1. It appears we're on some sort of staggered roll-out here. As soon as we get one boy through the worst of it another one starts to decline. I guess there aren't any vacation years built into the parenting contract. I may have to form a union.

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  15. Aww, poor little guy. :-( FGBVs

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    1. Thanks, Miss Mabel. The showering of FGBV's does actually make it better.

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  16. Hey, me again. In that above conversation, about medication, I wanted to throw in two more pennies. I've spoken of this before, but I wanted to mention it again. My Empress hit a rough patch, early on in middle school. Her sister did the same, even earlier (probably closer to Five's age). I did not know how to deal with Hanna's situation, and for years I felt terrible that I'd let her down, had been the world's worst mother, hadn't gotten her enough help, ruined her life, on and on and on, fill intheblanks.....

    It is more clear than ever for me now that we must all learn in our own way and at our own pace. Emma found the meds that worked for her in high school, and has a great counselor/doc that she sees regularly now. How would things have gone differently if a prescription had been on the table for her sister? I don't know. But I'm positive that you are doing EXACTLY what needs to be done right now! And we both did, when we could, years ago. We learn, they learn, we all grow, and we all make it through.

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    1. I'm trying to trust myself again in knowing what's best. We have some new health care professionals involved this time around, and they all have their own opinions, so I'm trying to find the truth for Five in all of the talk. I might add that mental health care for young children remains shoddy at best, which doesn't make the journey any easier.

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  17. Sorry I'm so late to the party, babe.

    WEBS and FGBVs and lots of hugs (chocolate covered, of course). I think you are amazing. I wish you lived closer so I could help in some way (I'm the anxiety attack poster child these days, as Skye will attest from many nights of computer hand-holding) so you and Five have my sympathy. And hugs. Did I mention the hugs?

    You're a freaking super hero.

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Thanks for reading! Unlike other Diaries, this one isn't private. Feel free to share your thoughts. Politely, of course.