14 August 2012

Better Than Jolene

Cocaine flame in my bloodstream
Sold my coat when I hit Spokane
Bought myself a hard pack of cigarettes
In the early mornin' rain

Lately my hands they don't feel like mine
My eyes been stung with dust and blind
Held you in my arms one time
Lost you just the same

Jolene
Well, I ain't about to go straight, it's too late
And I found myself face down in the ditch
Booze in my hair, blood on my lips
A picture of you holding a picture of me

In the pocket of my blue jeans
Still don't know what love means
Still don't know what love means

Jolene
Jolene

It's been so long since I've seen your face
Or felt a part of this human race
I've been living out of this here suitcase
For way too long

Man needs something he can hold onto
Nine pound hammer or a woman like you
Either one of them things will do

Jolene
Well, I ain't about to go straight, it's too late
And I found myself face down in the ditch
Booze in my hair, blood on my lips
A picture of you holding a picture of me

In the pocket of my blue jeans
Still don't know what love means
Still don't know what love means

Jolene
Jolene

Cocaine flame in my bloodstream
Sold my coat when I hit Spokane

"Jolene" is a song by the Zac Brown Band that I've been swooning over for the past few weeks. It's not new; I just discovered it after listening to a little ZBB during our trip to Yellowstone. It's a perfect example of songwriting craft, and everything I wish I could do as a writer. In less than five minutes, we learn everything we need to know about the narrator--his struggles, why his relationship ended, and where he's headed. None of it's pretty, but the song is, so I suggest you give it a listen.

I'm a novelist, not a songwriter or poet. My story is actually supposed to unfold in more than eight stanzas. What I envy is the ability to create more with less. I've been dealing with this as I revise and cut entire passages that are full of details the reader really doesn't need. I am trying to show what I mean, not tell you what to think. It's been challenging, but that, folks, is the word of the month. Say it with me: CHALLENGING.

In the middle of a tough week, I had the opportunity to attend a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I got clean with the help of NA, so I was happy to accompany a friend who is doing the same. It was a beginners meeting, so most of the people there had very little clean time--30, 60, or 90 days. I left feeling extremely grateful to be so far removed from the desperation of the newly surrendered. The folks at the meeting were actively fighting the desire to use, and I no longer have to wage that battle. I have been very frustrated lately, worn-down and tired, and there have been days where I just want to lie in bed and hide. But I can honestly say I can't anticipate a situation that would make me turn to drugs, because I know where that will lead.

Cocaine flame in my bloodstream
Sold my coat when I hit Spokane

My life is challenging, but I'm trying to focus on the good. How about yours?

25 comments:

  1. I've been going through a tough time myself. Ran out of the medication that keeps me stable, and I wasn't feeling all that stable when I had it.

    I would sell my coat in Spokane - a place I have been, by the way. Twelve step programs saved my life (Adult Children of Alcoholics mostly) but at the moment I'd do about anything to medicate this intense need to escape my life.

    I won't self medicate - at least not with anything I'd get addicted to- But meanwhile I'm pretty squirrely. And chocolate only does so much.

    Not that I'm comparing my woes with the searing pain that is addiction. I know I an fortunate. I only wish I could FEEL that at the moment.

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    1. Aww, Kate (((hugs))). I hope your med situation gets straightened out pronto.

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    2. Ditto what Delia said, and Kate, you can call me, even when I'm on vacation (my friends and I can only talk to each other for so long, y'know?). Take care.

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    3. Listen, the meeting was good for me because it put things in perspective, but that doesn't mean I'm all zen now. I don't FEEL like things are great, but I'm faking it until I make it (a good 12 Step phrase.)I'm sending you hugs and wishes that a health care provider will find lots of those pharmacy rep sample packets of your meds and get them in your hands. Then it might be easier to think about a long-term solution to the other issues.

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  2. So glad you're better than Jolene.
    Also glad you liked the Zac Brown Band. I love pretty much everything they put out. Such words, such harmonies.

    The semester starts soon. I'm simply pretending it's still July. :)

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    1. Such musicianship! When we got to Wyoming I asked Two if he had any country on his iPhone, and "Free" was my favorite of his selections. I ordered the CD when we got home, because I'm old-school like that. No downloadable tunes for me!

      I would also like it to stay July until about October.

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  3. Sorry to hear you've been having a rough patch.
    I love the Zac Brown Band and that is a beautiful song.
    FGBVs and big hugs

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    1. What recovery has taught me is that the patches come and go and that I can survive almost anything. I know this will be a slog, but a minor one, and I just have to keep moving forward.

      Maybe I should listen to happier music?

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  4. Brave girl! Good on you for supporting your friend and also fgbvs on the CHALLENGE of cutting beloved and previously necessary words from a novel.

    And sorry it's been so rough on you lately. You've been greatly missed. And I have to agree with Five on this one--I'm not a pancake fan lol.

    Hugs.

    And Hugs to Kate, too. Without my med I'm a flailing batch of anger. It's chemical but still, unpretty.

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    1. Farewell, cruel words!

      I haven't had the time to cut too many of them lately, which is contributing to my general mood. I feel like Michael Corleone--each time I try and carve out some time away from the family, they suck me back in. Parenting is like the Mafia, with only slightly less bloodshed.

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  5. That song is originally by Ray LaMontagne, of whom I am a huge fan. (He's a sad, hairy scrap of a man, but his voice is the sexy.) It's sad in the loveliest way.

    I'm so sorry your friend is going through such hard times, but I'm sure (s)he's lucky to have you for the hand-holding. I hope whatever challenges you're facing right now pale by comparison.

    Also, pancakes are delicious.

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    1. I knew you would know Ray LaMontagne! I don't, but I did see his name mentioned in connection with the song. I'll have to listen to his version.

      Almost nothing compares with quitting drugs, although I've experienced pain of equal degree over the years. It's the cumulative effect of too many things being out of control that drives me over the edge these days. Now I've got to climb back up over the cliff. I'm going to imagine I'm wearing cute hiking clothes. That might help.

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    2. P.S.: The pancakes ARE delicious! I make them with ricotta cheese, so they're extra fluffy! It's just a vehicle for syrup, so I don't know what his complaint is anyway. That Five--he's a tough cookie.

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  6. That's so great that you're giving support to a friend. Love ZBB.
    I'm currently doing final copyedits, so I commiserate. The editor wants me to cut 2-3K and this is AFTER I cut excess signature tags, and unecessary words, etc. However, I must say that in doing this exercise I'm learning not to leave in the parts that people skip. (I think it's Jenny Crusie who advocates that step.) ; )

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    1. I hadn't read the beginning of the book in years, so it was easy to cut the stuff that bored me! But as I move further along it gets trickier. It's a learning process.

      Final copyedits!! Yay!! One step closer to published!!

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  7. Glad to have you back; I've missed you. Sorry you are going thru a tough patch. I hope it eases up soon so you don't want to hide in bed. FGBVs to you!

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    1. It's nice to be missed. I get so caught up in the hurly-burly and before you know it, three weeks have gone by! I'm hoping to find some balance soon. The vibes are always appreciated!

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  8. I think there is something in the air that may be adding to your feelings. I have also been feeling like making one of those blanket tents like kids make and hiding from the world and I can't really pinpoint a specific reason why.
    Glad you have a support system. Take care of yourself.

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    1. I have a ping-pong table downstairs. I bet I could hang some blankets on that, scooch underneath it, and no one would find me for at least a day! You're welcome to join me!

      Hmmm. They'd probably hear me typing, though. Dammit.

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  9. It's a planet thing, not you. We are ALL feeling it. And, I have to say, I think this excessive cutting that authors are forced to do is simply WRONG! I want longer books, more words, and plenty of things I can skim over if *I* want to, not what editors want me to. There, I said it.

    You've been missed. But then, you know that already. Emma purchased Birthday Oreos, they are someplace in our house. She's hidden them from me. It's a very strange place I live in. Wish you could join me.

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    1. Arggh! What planet, and why won't it leave us alone? Is it that pesky Mercury, still? Sheesh.

      Pray tell, what are Birthday Oreos? A special design, or just Oreos hidden from you for your birthday? If so, that just seems cruel. Every day is a gift, and should be celebrated as such, with cookies.

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  10. I don't know these Zac Brown dudes but found the Ray Lamontagne -- quite beautiful.

    Welcome back :-) And fgbvs that things will settle down a bit... or some semblance of...

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    1. Now I feel compelled to listen to Ray!

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  11. I love the Zac Brown Band and that is a beautiful song.Thanks for this post!

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    1. I'm quite enamored of them now, but I have been known to be an obsessive/compulsive music listener (see above for reasons why). I latch onto a new artist (for me) and play their CD over and over, mostly because my van only has one CD tray!

      You're welcome for the post--thank you for stopping by to read!

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