06 June 2012

Swimming Back to Shore

I started a new post three times this week. Each time it read a little like this: Blahblahblah, deep, emotional emoting, whine, blahblah, errgghh. But who wants to read that shit? Not me; I couldn't even finish writing the damn thing.

Here's the truth of my life, and I suspect it will not differ entirely from yours: I am busy. I have five children. Okay, that part may be different for you, but anyone who has more than two kids can identify. And I only draw the line there because when you get to three kids, you must switch from man to man defense to zone, and that makes life trickier.

It is the end of the school year for my five children. Everything, EVERYTHING, is happening at once.

We've seen concerts, plays, talent and awards shows.

The baseball season is wrapping up for Four and Five, BUT WAIT, baseball play-offs are beginning for Three. And crap, I think we still have a few more weeks of basketball clinic.

One and I went on a school trip to the Museum of Natural History while Three was visiting Washington, Baltimore, and Pennsylvania on his eighth grade trip, which we packed for at the last minute, of course.

There have been final projects to complete, final exams to prep for, and fucking final papers to write, none of which have been finished in a timely fashion by Two, who is trying to put me in my grave.

Three will graduate on June 19, about the same time One will finish his final year of high school. I had to visit the psychiatrist (no, not for me YET), to get the form letter that renews Three's 504 plan, which provides academic accommodations for his anxiety disorder. Next, I must finish acquiring documentation that proves One has a physical disability, so accommodations can be made for him at his college. Apparently, a video will not suffice.

We started Four on a new ADHD medication, which appears to have turned him into a vampire. He goes to sleep but wanders around in the middle of the night,  making him very confrontational and cranky the next day. As a result of being awakened by my little Angel more than once this week, I am similarly dispositioned.

When I am overtired, life seems overwhelming. It's a bit of a chicken-or-egg thing. My life IS overwhelming, and it makes me tired, but I'm generally a positive person, so I think of it the other way around. But I don't live in False Positive Land either. I write the Diaries to expose my life in all its gore and beauty, and there is plenty of both.

This week I got pulled out to sea by a nasty undertow of weepy wishiness, and then flung down the coast by a rip-tide of regret. I let it take me for a ride, wallowing as I contemplated the cruelty of a universe that would give me so many children with special needs. Then I remembered the Captain's directive: when the current finally spits you out, tread water until help arrives. The Captain once saved his friends from drowning in the ocean, so his advice is pretty sound.

I swished my arms for a few days and sure enough, the lifeguards arrived. I'm choosing to focus on all the great things that have happened over the last few weeks. We had a fun day with most of the boys at a small nature park. We saw a water snake eating a giant tadpole, caught a baby snapping turtle, and Three, Small Game Hunter, captured and released a garter snake. One received a Senior Award with a little cash for continually striving for improvement. I have written about 11,000 of the last 20,000 words of my manuscript. The flowers are blooming, a handsome red cardinal is quite enamored of our bird feeder, and robins are building a nest below our deck.

I have stepped away from the ocean's edge, and life is good.

17 comments:

  1. It's good when you back away from the overwhelming tides and notice that life is good. I try to remember to do that once in a while too. I'm lucky, the ocean doesn't like the taste of me and spits me out on a regular basis. All clean and salty, with sand in all the crevices. Isn't that a lovely visual? I've only got four, and while number two has hydrocephalus, mostly they are self sufficient. So I'm trying to remember I'm blessed and not kill my MIL who is living with us.

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    1. I think you should remember that it's not worth your life to take hers. Then again, prison could be a nice break. Three hots and a cot, wardrobe provided free, and I think they have cable television.

      No view, though, of the ocean or the mountains.

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  2. Oh, Megan, I'm so sorry that the riptides carried you out for awhile. We all have times like that. I'm just coming back to shore after a rough patch myself and I only have two--two that are so far apart they are practically only children. (this time amazingly enough the riptides were not child-related.) Great advice from the captain, and I'm glad it worked. that last paragraph is pretty awesome. and 11,000 words!!! wow!

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    1. I'm happy your troubles are over, or at least subsided? Did things get better on their own, or did you ask for help? The Captain was a little perturbed that I didn't ask him for help, which is funny because he's known me for 27 years. I still prefer to flounder around on my own first.

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  3. Woohooo! Coming in to the home stretch! With all the other stuff crowding your brain and sucking your time, that is quite the accomplishment. I know the feeling about the end of school year, too. (Magnum and I use the same zone defense analogy.) So glad help came for you. :)

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    1. Making with the clickety-clack baby! I'm jonesing to finish, but I no longer share your ability to stay up until all hours--it must be a gift of the young. Tonight at bedtime, I was rubbing Five's back and he told me I should lay down, you know, just for a while, so I did.

      Woke up an hour later.

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    2. I did the same thing in the middle of the day. Woops. (I may stay up until 1 or 2, but I'm 40 this year. Occasionally, I require a nap.)

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  4. Tell Five that his cousin Melissa would LOVE LOVE LOVE bacon & eggs for breakfast. Especially if someone made them for her. Which I don't on school mornings. Actually kind of rarely. So he's ONE LUCKY KID.

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    1. But I KNOW he likes waffles, so why did I make him bacon and eggs? If Melissa was here, we would make her breakfast every...three days. I think that's reasonable.

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  5. So glad you got back to shore.
    Life is rather strange in how when one thing goes wrong and it gets you down then a ton of other things start piling on. It's almost like someone is questioning how much you can take. Those are the lowest of the low valleys though, and I know when it happens to me that I'll soon be on the climb again.
    Seriously, I don't know how you do it with five boys. A boy and a girl with ADHD was enough of a trial for me. But, they are now 29 and 31, and delightful. So there is that. : )

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    1. You're right--the depression or anxiety is cumulative. I try to remember that when I feel like I'm drowning, to not buy into the whole midset. I can imagine the future, and it's usually a happy picture. Getting there can be a slog, though, and these prolonged sprints are exhausting. But onward!

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  6. I'm glad things are better. I'm also glad that you let out some of when things were worse. I think there is WAY TOO MUCH emphasis on everything needing to be positive these days. There is positive and there is also negative. I'm able to hear both.

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    1. Yes--I absolutely am not here to tell you that despite all the hardship in my life I FEEL GRREEAATT! (I'm wearing a Tony the Tiger t-shirt today.) Basically, I want you to read the Diaries and think, "Huh. Well, Megan didn't always do things right, but in the end, it turned out okay." "Okay" is something we can all live with, right?

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  7. Your ingenious plan will allll pan out when you have 5 children to care for you in your old age! Moua ha ha!

    Major major kudos on your novel work. Holy crap Batmom! You're very dedicated to your craft!

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    1. We do take absurd pleasure in listening to them mow the lawn! I'm not sure they'll take care of me in old age, because I plan to buy an RV and travel the country. They'd have to find me first.

      Typing, typing, typing
      Keep those fingers typing
      Typing, typing, typing ...deadline!

      My version of "Rawhide."

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  8. Almost done with the book?! Oh, were there other words in there..... KIDDING! Don't we ALL have those low-tide moments? Wait, just me? You? No, it's definitely all of us. We just can't all weave them so gorgeously into words the way you can.

    Good job treading water, but next time, scream a little too. That might alert a rescuer slightly sooner. ;)

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    1. I'm not too good with the screaming. I like to swirl the situation around in my mind for a bit, until I'm convinced it's not something I can fix on my own. Being slightly self-centered, I mean self-aware, it takes a lot for me to ask another person's opinion.

      But I do, sometimes. And it helps!

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