15 March 2012

Lenten Starvation

My children are starving. Starving, I tell you! I am depriving them of their favorite foods, while I force them to eat...all the other fecking food that's in this house!

Last week I came home from Costco with my usual order which, on average, runs me $200. I went to put some of it away in my pantry in the garage, and there was no room. The shelves were filled with other foodstuffs. I hadn't checked the pantry because the garage gets chilly in the winter, so I keep my visits brief. But it was warm enough that day to get a real gander at what's been hiding behind those doors all winter. Then I went and checked my kitchen cabinets and my freezer. Pretty much the same deal.

That night, the boys and I sat down to dinner and I told them I had come up with a Lenten project for the whole family. We would learn to be less wasteful and more grateful for our blessings.

"Let me guess," Four said, "you want us to give up something."

"Not exactly," I replied. "I want us to eat our food."

"What?"

"I want us to eat all the food we have in the house before I buy any new food."

"I think that's a great idea," Two said. "Especially that top shelf."

The kitchen pantry houses the chips on the top shelf. For some reason, it drives Two nuts that we have so many open, half-eaten bags up there. It's probably because he's the only one tall enough to eyeball the inventory.

The little boys demanded clarification. Did this mean when the cookies were gone, we wouldn't buy any new ones? What about waffles?

Yes and yes.

"I'm  going to starve!" Five whined.

"We need to start saving the cookies!" Four cried.

"What about milk?" One asked.

We decided milk, vegetables, and fruit could be replaced after they were all consumed. I'm wavering on sandwich meats, because I'm pleased that my previously picky eaters will now eat protein in the middle of the day. Desserts did not make the cut. That caused the greatest amount of consternation, only because the boys have no idea how much crap is stored in this house. They could eat Hershey's kisses until May.

Yesterday, I toasted the last two waffles. Five eats waffles for breakfast every morning. He actually leaps out of bed when he hears them pop up, then runs, semi-conscious, to the kitchen table. It's amazing he hasn't separated a shoulder bouncing off a wall. This morning I made him eggs and an English muffin. Apparently, English muffins do not jump out of the toaster with the same noise frequency as waffles, because I had to wake my slumbering lad.

"What's for breakfast?" he mumbled into his pillow.

"Eggs and an English muffin," I whispered.

"Are the waffles gone?" he moaned.

"Yes."

"I'm going to starve," he said, before trudging down the hall.

We'll see.

22 comments:

  1. *snort, giggle, giggle*
    This is the conversation in my house: "Mom! There's nothing for snack!" "Oh, let's look," I say in my cheery Mrs. Cleaver voice, "Look! We have apples!" *groan* "Look! We have carrots and celery! You could stuff celery with peanut butter!" *groan* "We have crackers and cheese!" *groan* "M o o o o m m m , but we don't have any GOOD snacks." "Oh well, I guess you'll just have to starve." Sound of long, drawn-out sighs of incredibly suffering are then heard.

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    1. This is similar to "There's nothing fun to do in this house."

      I usually answer that by confiscating all their gaming systems and telling them to go read a book. Outside.

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  2. You clever, evil mastermind. ;)

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    1. I am stroking my hairless cat as I type.

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  3. Laughing and laughing. And then laughing some more.

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    1. They are endlessly amusing. Someone should write a book about them. ;)

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  4. Due to a sudden infestation of ants during my pregnancy, I cleaned out our pantry and cabinets (old cream of mushroom soup, anyone? no? and why the hell did we OWN cream of mushroom soup?) so we don't have this particular difficulty.

    I will say, in Five's defense, that at his age I would have starved in that I ate only rice krispies, carrots, peanut butter sandwiches, applesauce and chicken with catsup. It's a wonder I didn't die of scurvy.

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    1. You ate more than Two did his first fifteen years alive! He lived on cheese, yogurt, PB&J, and pizza. We were thrilled when he added green apples to his diet.

      Five, however, is actually a pretty good eater. He just likes to complain.

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  5. LOL!!! We did that, several times. Again, you've seen the pictures, they did NOT starve.

    Oh your poor sad babies.

    (I'm with Delia, having trouble NOT laughing all over again.)

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    1. I hope they all develop a taste for pasta soon, because I have boxes and boxes. Ziti tonight! Oh wait, Five will complain, because even though he likes plain pasta, parmesan cheese (he eats it by the bowlful), and pizza, he won't eat pasta with tomato sauce. WTF?

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  6. Oh how I remember those KarenB conversations from my childhood. Sigh. Looking forward to hearing the updates!

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    1. I am sure we've all had them. The difference is that my parents didn't care--we ate whatever was for dinner, whether we liked it or not. Ewww, peas.

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  7. I should do this with my mom. She keeps buying and buying stuff that we are never going to use. I don't get it.
    Sounds like a fun lesson for your boys.
    The thing we probably couldn't live without restocking - is cheese.

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    1. It's been interesting for me, too. I went shopping the other day, up and down the aisles, and I kept thinking, "Oh, I don't need that."

      We can't live without cheese, either. Cheese made the cut. I just heard Three in my head say, "Please, Mom, don't cut the cheese." I've been living with guys for too long.

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  8. I LOVE it Meg. I can actually hear them, whining, in my head. You are one clever woman.

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    1. Yes, the whining is a constant low-level hum. We'll see how clever I am when we're down to one can of tuna fish, barbecue sauce and walnuts.

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  9. Yep. Been there. And, OMG, they go throught the "good snacks" so fast I don't think anyone could keep them supplied.

    Pie ate nothing but oatmeal for three years. Now she won't touch it.

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    1. The Captain brought home Girl Scout cookies (they were pre-ordered) so the no-cookie horror has been temporarily postponed.

      I ate peanut butter and jelly every day freshman year. I understand.

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  10. Hubby goes to Costco EVERY Tuesday night. His weakness is clothes, but they are cheaper there then else where and new rule: if something goes in the closet something comes out.

    He has a meeting after his Tuesday night Costco trek so he can only bring home non-parishables, which was getting out of hand. I asked him to clean out the pantry last weekend and get rid of everything out of date. He discovered at least 100 energy bars in half filled boxes (still in date) with the brand new box he'd just purchased on the counter. They are now all in a giant basket in plain view and he swears he won't buy any more until we are out. Now, if he'll stop buying cereal!

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    1. Costco is like a casino. You get inside that giant warehouse and you lose all track of time and money. I feel your pain.

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  11. This is a great idea. I have the single gal/Manhattan problem. I am trying to learn to keep more food in the apartment in order to stop buying so much takeout. Perhaps I will come over and do some shopping in your pantry. I will bring a couple of pizzas in exchange.

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    1. That sounds like a perfect exchange! Five would also like some waffles.

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