07 February 2012

Survivor: Penis Island

The report cards are in, and the results are what we expected. Two's grades suck.

That said, we began our Year of Vigilance with only three weeks left in the quarter, so we knew there was little chance of saving his neck. We can only improve. Nothing but good times ahead!

Hopefully.

Two and I were sitting together at the kitchen table while he stared off into space, procrastinating did his geometry homework. I was thumbing through Chemistry For Dummies, trying to understand moles and stoichiometry. Not for my own pleasure, but rather so I can avoid paying for a chemistry tutor. Four and Five were in the other room playing Skylanders, a video game. Four likes to immerse himself in his games, performing all the parts. He is the most physically and vocally active couch potato I know. In order to create an environment more conducive to Two's  frittering/daydreaming homework completion, I told Four he would have to end his game in ten minutes and go play with Five.

"No!" he yelled back.

Two threw down his pencil and stared at me.

"That! That total dismissive tone drives me crazy! When I have kids, they're not going to talk to me that way, or I'm just going to hit them!"

Bwaaahahaha!! Oh, how my side hurt from my internal laughter!

With just the hint of a grin, I said,  "So Dad should beat you for your bad grades? Would violence sufficiently motivate you?"

"No, Mom, because I'm too old now. When I have my kids, I'm going to start early, and make sure they know the rules."

"Okay, now that you know the new rules for school, how about I just take away your phone and your computer? Would that work?"

"No, it would just make me angry, and then I wouldn't work anyway."

"Huh. How about you concentrate on not failing your classes, and I'll worry about your brothers."

"Yeah, okay. But you let them get away with so much."

This from the "Screw you, Mom!" guy. Did I hit him when he yelled that at me? No, because he's a sixteen year-old boy, and I knew he was going through a difficult time. Did I tell him we had to stop being mean to each other? Yes. Did I remind Four of the same thing? Yes. Will this be the last time either one of them is disrespectful to me? No. Have I ever hit them? Yes. Did it change anything? Nope.

I can't wait for Two to have a baby. Well, certainly I can wait another ten years. No need to rush things for the sake of the argument. (Remember where you put the condoms, Two!) More to the point, I can't wait for Two to have a teenager. All the righteous conviction he feels right now, the clarity of his beliefs--all that gets muddied in the trenches of parenthood, until it's just a fight for survival.

I'm going to remind Two of this conversation every time he slacks off, or doesn't immediately do what I ask.  He's given me the perfect ammunition.

Outwit, outplay, outlast.



25 comments:

  1. I'd comment but I'm to busy LMAO. Two also knows he's going to have the mother of said children to contend with, too, doesn't he? Whew. *wipes eyes*

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    1. That's strange--blogger ate my reply! I just wanted to say that testosterone is the most obvious culprit when it comes to simplistic male thought. Guys are funny.

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  2. Ha ha. What goes around comes around. : )

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    1. Just like the Justin Timberlake song.

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  3. Anonymous3.2.12

    Dear Lord. I almost spit water all over my keyboard! You really need to crack down on that dismissive tone - from the LITTLE guys!! I love Two. He amuses me.

    (And even while I'm giggling I have to admit that it is a little sweet - if hysterical - that he gets agitated about how his brothers speak to you.)

    Janet

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  4. Anonymous3.2.12

    Now that I re-read my comment, it just dawned on my that my older brother, Paul, had a similar idiosyncratic sense of honor. That must be why I thought it was sweet. He wasn't always the easiest to deal with - quite the contrary - but he was fiercely protective of my mother. He just couldn't quite fit himself into his rigid code of honor. Janet

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    1. Sweet. The Captain only has scary memories of your older brothers. Not that they were mean, just intimidating. Two would totally agree that younger brothers and friends should cower.

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  5. Sounds like typical teenagery to me.
    I remember when my youngest was very young. She would sometimes shout "I hate you," at me. My mother would want me to 'whip' her. I didn't hit my kids. And I didn't take what a young child said personally. I always knew it was her highest truth at that moment but it would change ten minutes later.
    It's the same thing with teenagers. You can't take their attempts to shake off your control personally. They're just practicing for when it becomes necessary.
    Sounds like you see through all that testosterone driven, teenagery stuff to the future on the other side.

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    1. Sometimes I'm sad that the future is just around the bend, and other days I can't wait for it to get here! I was a challenging teenager, so I don't mind letting them have their moments.

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  6. Anonymous3.2.12

    Ha! Two cracks me up. I guess it is progress that he can identify the tone. There was a time when the whole thing would have probably gone in one ear and out the other. Maybe that means he is starting to identify with the adults in the room, not the kids. Only 15 or 20 years more before he IS a grown-up. Just kidding. The Captain matured fairly early, after those "rocky" years, of course. Maybe Two will also.

    June

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    1. He would deny having those "rocky" years, unless you mean "Rocky," but no one acknowledges anything after "Rocky III."

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  7. Anonymous3.2.12

    I have to giggle about the request to "please prove you're not a robot." Does anyone else think of Blade Runner? Anyone? Just me? Okay.

    June

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  8. Funny!

    Except....I got stuck at the moles. I'm a chemistry teacher. What'd'ya want to know? I'm happy to help, just shoot me an email! (can you do that? or do I need to tell you my email addy?)

    --Briana/BooftyBetty

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    1. Well, I don't really want to know anything. I just want TWO to understand how to convert all the different weights/measures. I got halfway through the chapter, feeling pretty good about myself, and then I got totally lost. I'm going to let him read the book, and then I'll let you know! (His teacher sounds...less than stellar.)

      P.S. I would need your email. But you can email me if you don't want to write it out on the blog. You can find my email in the profile.

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    2. Good grief....Sorry for the delay. My brain is somewhere in the fire-ball that MY little darlings made in lab this week. (it was kind of awesome...probably 3 feet off the table...yikes!)

      Anyway, I can't get my email to love your email, so if TWO still needs help, just drop me a note -- brianar76 at gmail dot com.

      I can't promise much, but I can try!

      :-)

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  9. Anonymous3.2.12

    Still giggling here. I'm not sure whether the teenage boy crap is better or worse than the teenage girl crap I'm dealing with right now. At least my 12 year old boy child still thinks I'm wonderful. I'll take it while I can.

    KarenB

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    1. The strange thing is I know they like me, except for when they hate me. They're getting better at apologizing for their moments of wretchedness, which shows a dawning awareness. I think girl crap is just different--and I would guess wordier!

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  10. Here we go, testing to see if I can comment this time. (Not because I have anything to add on this one. We all know that being a teenager gives you the right to KNOW ALL!!!)

    Julie

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    1. I found you in spam! Maybe it's from that one time I deleted your comment so your hair didn't catch on fire. Perhaps blogger thinks you're undesirable. Silly blogger.

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  11. This brings me to my fave mark twain quote.
    Why did not all the troubles of this world come to me when I was seventeen and knew everything?

    :)

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  12. Yup! What goes around comes around and I'm not gloating because I really feel your pain. I just know this too shall pass. You probably don't want to hear that either. Well, you know, mothers never get it right. And, I agree, Two is really funny. He just doesn't hear himself. Hang in there. It will get better. MM

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    1. I know it will pass, until I visit it again with the next one. And the next one. And the next one. Sigh.

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  14. You think he's self righteous now? Wait til he's twenty! That's when they enter what I call the Terrible 22's.

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