25 March 2011

My Johnson, My Friend

Five cannot keep his hands out of his pants. Whenever I see him these days, he has at least one hand on his penis, and a far-away look on his face. I think, at first, the blank expression was one of mindless joy, brought on by the fondling. Now, I'm a little concerned that the caressing has become so commonplace, he no longer recognizes when he's doing it. I used to ignore it, but now I feel compelled to stop it, for fear of receiving a phone call from the school about "inappropriate touching."

So I started a "hands off" campaign with discreet reminders. I would walk in the playroom, and whisper in Five's ear, "Hands out of your pants, honey." Now, I just yell "Five! Hands!" on my way down the hall. I'm not convinced either approach is effective. I can't get Five to stop touching the stuff that doesn't belong to him, so to forbid him access to that which is rightfully his own is a tough sell.

We've gone through this in some fashion with all the penii. The fascination with the johnson first becomes apparent when they realize they can make it bigger. I call this the "special skin phenomenon." As in, "Your penis has special skin that grows when you touch it, but you have to be GENTLE." Otherwise, they'll yank that pecker off in the name of science.

Later, the discussion evolves, as the boy grows and the penis does not keep pace. I have yet to be proven wrong that puberty will, in fact, arrive and all sorts of things will sprout.

Then we deal with erections. Three recently informed me that, on average, the teenage boy will have an erection every ninety minutes. I love middle school health class. They are even more blase than I about tackling uncomfortable subjects.

I keep talking and talking, even after they tell me to stop. Which happens with Two.

"Oh my God, Mom, I'm not having sex!" has been the refrain.

I tell him I'm happy about that, but someday he will, and I want him to be smart, and kind about that decision. Because it will involve more than just his body parts. I was a teenage girl once, and I know the emotional repercussions of taking that step.

Maybe I should re-think my strategy, and encourage solitary pleasure. Next time I pass Five, I'm not going to say a thing.


  1. Anonymous25.3.11

    My girls and I out-numbered the boys, so this is not one I have dealt with much. (Although I still worry about my poor first child, he got all the talks...)
    Wanna really give them good info? When they hit about 20 steer them to Dan Savages's archives. Probably not before that though.
    Oops, almost forgot to tell you how very much I adored this title.

  2. Anonymous25.3.11

    I have no experience with this so i'll just say 'poor you'
    This story does remind me though, when my brother was younger he thought that having two testicles meant that he would one day have two babies and he used to go around telling everyone about his two babies

  3. "to forbid him access to that which is rightfully his own is a tough sell."

    lol indeed

  4. Trust your gut on the "there is a time a place for everything". I have used that strategy for students who had similar behaviors as Five. That allows for acknowledging and shaping the behavior at the same time. I laughed and smiled while reading...

  5. @kris: When the boys were younger, they called them their "tentacles." I never wanted to correct that pronunciation! Five prefers calling them his "tenders."

  6. I can't stop laughing. I love your writing. I can see alot of "How I Failed Five" from this one. It really will not be an issue in time. LY

  7. I'd comment, but I'm still laughing too hard.
    "Because otherwise they'll yank that pecker off in the name of science." LOL

  8. @Delia: and thank you for making me edit the redundant "Because." I love the post-post edit.

    I'm pretty sure they would figure out the "gentle" part on their own. Every man I know still adjusts and touches, sometimes on national TV, while playing baseball, and I have yet to hear a "He yanked it off!" horror story. That would surely cut down on the fondling. Or if someone did, indeed, go blind from the extended version of same.

  9. I can't stop laughing at this one Meg. Every time I try, I imagine the conversations and commands crisscrossing the airwaves in your house each day. And how they would be received in my house.

  10. I cannot imagine what it's like being completely surrounded by penii the way you are. Sure, I hung out with a lot of teenage guys, but it was different. I never had to tell anyone to take their hands out of their pants!

    You crack me up. I would love to hang out with you, drink tea or wine, and watch you toss comments off to your boys, right and left. "Two, stop suffocating Four. Three, leave One alone. Five, Hands!"

    I'm with Delia about laughing over the idea of yanking that pecker off in the name of science.

    I was very recently talking to a male friend about how men handle their junk All. The. Time. A little scratch. A readjustment. A slight rub just to make sure it's all there. If women handled their stuff as much, shopping shows would be soft porn.

  11. @Skye: I can't tell you how many times I say, "Get off your brother" in one day. If I had a nickel...I could pay for airfare to visit you!

    The Captain said he was amazed at how many women thought today's post was hysterical. Then he realized it's because he's a guy, and it's part of his daily life. He's got his hands in his pajamas right now.

  12. Megan, I think that by the time they are adults, they don't even notice! I'm quite certain my friend didn't until I pointed it out to him.

    Then, of course, he had to make some comment about how his stuff is worthy of constant attention. ::rolling eyes::


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